Love-Hate

""...the more a woman loves a man, the more she hates him. if a man is worth having her, he must be a woman's superior; if he is her superior, part of her must hate him" -interpretation of a murder" - shoutout in my sister's friendster account.

I don't think anyone can put into words the complexity of love and hatred. Personally, I'm not capable of hating anyone anymore. Does it mean that I can love no more?

But yes, there was a time when both were there - love and hatred for one man, at one point in my life. I'm done with it. I hope it doesn't happen again.

Heart Speaks

This will be long...

Motivation was one of the concepts discussed in my Marketing class earlier.

When we talk about motivation, Freud's theory probably catches the attention of most. This is not necessarily because people believe in having repressed emotions and urges but because they think Freud is crazy, sex-oriented and is talking nonsense. Freud is not the subject of my blog. He was just one of the cues that made me acknowledge my deeper motivations in life.

The October 2008 CPA Licensure Examinations is less than a month away. As much as I don't want to be affected by this, I am affected (only now, but not originally), not necessarily because I have regrets for not being able to take the board.

Sir Vladen has told me many times (and he continually reminds me) that I will not feel good when the results would show that my friends and former classmates passed the board already and I didn't (considering that I surely would had I chosen to). He could relate because it happened to him. I don't have the same issues. My happiness or absence of it does not depend on the accomplishment of others. Having a CPA title attached to my name is not important to me. And more than anything, I will be sincerely happy for them.

The CPA board was not my concern. I was happy doing my tasks. Then came the messages from my two closest former classmates - they will take the board on May. And in addition was the comment, "Yan, sabay tayo."

Now, I am facing this issue - to take or not to take; and when to take. My answer is not a product of pressure from family, friends and former teachers. Like every decision I made, I am making my choice based on what I want. The only difference is, now, my motivations are better and more value-oriented.

Having total control of my life and my choices is something that I always claim to have. I have so many times departed from norms. I am thinking now that maybe, just maybe, I depart from the norms not necessarily because I am sticking to my principles. Maybe I do it just for the sake of departing. And maybe, the very idea of being different is what I seek for. In the end, my choices are very much influenced by this attitude.

As a student, I cut classes. I always gave reasons and justifications - like I needed to do and settle a lot of things, I was busy, etc. But the truth is, I could have done my non-academic activities outside class hours. Maybe I cut classes because I wanted to prove to everyone that I can still achieve satisfactory results despite being an irresponsible student. Maybe I enjoyed the comments they gave such as, "Si Zea kahit absinot, mataas pa rin ang grade, pasado pa rin."

I challenged my teachers. I claimed that I did those because they weren't good. There were a lot of things and decisions to be challenged. Looking back, their being good or not was not the real issue. Maybe I challenged them because I wanted to test how much they could take in. I refuted whatever they said for the sake of refuting. Sometimes I even agreed with them (deep inside) but I still argued because I wanted to argue.

I shifted to another course on my fourth year (I was again an Accountancy student the next sem). I could not tolerate the existence of one teacher. I did not want to see her face again. I could not be forced to be under her and listen to what she has to say (everyone who knows her would understand my feelings). And for that reason, I shifted.

I did not consider my four years of academic struggle and suffering; the good times I had and the opportunities that the course gave me; the ill-opinion people had of my poor and selfish attitude; the wrong assumption they had that I shifted because I flunked; the feelings of my family and classmates. I did not care about everyone and what they thought and felt. Maybe I wanted to prove to them that I can do what I want, whenever I want to.

I did not review. I chose not to because I wanted to stay here. I did not want others to lay the path for me. I also did not want to take the board because I expected a lot from myself yet I knew that I could not perform well. I wanted to perfect the exams but I knew that I couldn't because of my academic lapses. One sem in review will not make up for five years that I lost.

I am now confronting my social and psychological issues. For the past months, I had a love-hate relationship with myself. One minute, I commend myself; the next minute, I insult myself. It had been very unhealthy.

A simple life is what I dream of. I am a simple person with simple needs. If everything is simple, there shouldn't be a problem. But there is - I have complex and complicated thoughts! I also easily get bored. I cannot be content on just doing simple things. I miss setting goals and achieving them.

Something (actually, a lot) is amiss. I have turned away from repressed emotions and motivations for a long time. I thought that I never repressed anything because I don't conform to norms. I thought that by being different (in thoughts and in actions), I was a better person than the rest because I can do and say whatever I like.

The truth is, my actions have very little effect to other people. Their biggest effect is on me.Yes, I achieved my goal. I proved to myself and to everyone that I have control over my life. I am the master of myself.

Did I achieve much? No. I became consumed with the need to prove a lot. In the end, I allowed myself to become the very opposite of the person I wanted to be.

Listening to myself, I learned that there are other things which I also want but I did not allow myself to get/do because everyone wants them. I also want to take the board. I may not practice my profession (I don't believe in the 'cause' of the auditing profession, not before and never will) but I will take the board because I want to give justice to my five-year education. I am also (for the first time) considering what everyone has given me. My family, teachers and classmates have been very understanding. I broke many hearts but I was not moved (I am now). I had all the resources I needed - I never lacked in books and materials.

I will now do things not only for myself but also to give back all the good things which were readily provided to me.

I realized that there is really no need to be always different. I must not be motivated by the idea of being different.

I can now move on. I have finally forgiven myself.

Just Dropping By

I make choices everyday. And to stop blogging (for a while) is one of my latest decisions.

I have sort of lost my drive to write, or I feel as though my 'writings' are not really relevant. And I'd like to divert my energy, time and efforts on more meaningful things.

The stories will just come. I won't pressure myself.

Too much of something is not good. So too much blogging is not good. Hehe. I'm just dropping by. My imposed five minutes are up. Bye!!!

Vacation's Over

NDMU did not hold classes for eight (8) straight school days. We had our retreat last week and the Intramurals ended yesterday. Back to reality.

I enjoyed very much the long break but classroom instruction cannot be evaded.

I'm not prepared! I haven't checked my papers. At least I'm already done with the grades. But then, that was really expected. I still have tonight and tomorrow to settle things. I wouldn't blog for a while.

There is so much to tell!! Yet I could not seem to write what I feel - so much black, white and other colors in my life. Maybe they are not really meant to be written. I don't know.

Ciao

September 1st

Today is the official beginning of the "Ber" Season. There are so much to look forward to - retreat, Intramurals, semestral break, the Marist camp and Christmas.

But to me, today means a lot more than all those...

I Just Have to Let this Out

Okay. So he had been more than an acquaintance for two months now. I don't know if I can truly say that we had been friends. Under my standards, sure, he had been a friend. But then, friendship is mutual. I could not just claim one to be a friend and he/she does not even acknowledge a friendship.

I promised not to blog for a while but there is no one to talk to; and I'd like to let this out.

I consider my self a good friend; but looking back on how I have treated him, yeah, I had not been the good friend that I claim to be. So I've hurt his feelings through negative and rude remarks. And through actions as well.

And now it's pay back time for him. I am getting a no-reaction/no-comment/I-don't-know-you look and treatment. At first I was affected. I asked him what the problem was. I made efforts to make patawa of the situation. I didn't know it was serious. But he was not moved!!! Then maybe, this is serious. Or maybe not. Maybe he just doesn't want to be associated with me in any way. Whatever. He is not my only consideration in life. I've done my part. I reached out. I'm not even making an issue of feeling insulted/offended. I never get offended and I seldom feel insulted.

I'm not a person with much pride. But I can also live without him. I'm so making an effort not to judge.... Good for him. And for me.

So this might be the end of an acquaintance or a friendship. What a nice pre-birthday gift.

Oh well, I still wish him well.

Haha. I'm writing this while he is less than a meter away. We're not acknowledging each other's existence. Fine. I'm good in this. Hehe. Been here, done this a lot. I don't know what he's thinking right now. Whatever.

I'm not really being positive by writing this. But I'll try to be better.

Breakfast and War

I had a heavy breakfast earlier. Idle that I am, I didn't want to wash dishes so I decided to eat (dine in) in the turo2x in front of our dorm.

I usually could not finish eating one cup of rice but the nice lady who owns the place served almost two servings equivalent to my one-cup order.

I asked for half serving of this sitaw-baboy dish but she filled the bowl. I also had adobong manok.

If I ate in another place, I would not have hesitated in leaving without finishing the meal. But there I was, in her simple place; and she was happily telling the story of her life, husbands (yes, with an "s") and children. Leaving with so much food still left on my plate would make me feel guilty because I know that money and resources mean a lot to her.

I'm naturally shy so I was contented being by myself, eating my meal as if it's just another task. But she's so makwento and there, she gave me a full account of her happy life while she was doing her tasks. She is happy despite the worldly problems, mostly financial.

I don't know how I can be happy if I were in her shoes. I don't think that I will ever be there, under the circumstances that I am in right now. But that is not the point.

If we are all like her - happy, feeling positive amidst all problems and working not only for self-preservation but also for service, there will be peace, harmony, contentment and all the good things here on earth. Stop the fighting and killings! Let's get on with our lives. Now, where exactly am I going????

Regardless of the issue - poverty or war, love and values must always prevail.

Let there be peace on earth :-)

my very first blog

i wrote this last march 9, 2008. i never got to give the valedictory address. i gave the welcome address during grad. promise, i wasn't bitter about that. hehe. anyway, i posted this address of thanks in my friendster account long before grad.

I’m ecstatic, overwhelmed, so happy, thrilled and quite tense.... not entirely different from the feelings of millions of students who will be graduating this March. My friends would probably not believe that I finally got the courage to combat my technology allergy and get this blog thing done (i'm so poor in technology and not too interested and open-minded to learn). But here is my first ever blog, the result of my overwhelming emotions which i could not contain at the moment. This is not really a product of my creative writing skills (the next blogs will be, i give that assurance).

Well, you've heard this too often from would-be graduates: there are mixed emotions during grad, happy and sad, excited and nervous.... and I admit, I feel those. It’s like I want to sleep and whoosh, the next day is grad day already. But I also feel as though I want school life to just go on and on, like there is no graduation. I’m so inconsistent.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank those who were part of my wonderful college journey which will end soon. This might sound like a valedictory address (hehe) because I might not have the chance to do the real thing on grad...

my thanks....

First, to God,and this is very sincere, for guiding me and always bringing me back to the right path despite some poor decisions I’ve made.

To mama and papa, for patiently waiting every night for their little girl to come home or fetching me from never-heard places when it's too late na, and for understanding everything I go through... for loving me without limits and conditions.

To my ate coco, my greatest fan (as i am hers, too), for the love, patience and more love. We dreamt together and we will get through.

To my baby bro daboy, who is far yet so near because he's here -(my heart).

To my best pals:
*kris, my loyal friend, the reason why I passed many subjects, who filled in for my academic lapses, thanks for all the financial statements you shouldered that's why I can never make one 'til now (my fault, you're too good kasi). I hope it's not too late to say sorry for all those burdens.
*menardo, for the tolerance on my constant inconsistent behavior, for coming to the rescue even on very short notice. I hope I can give back all the love you give.
*john and lyda, for listening, for being source of comfort and joy on very challenging and trying times.... for not questioning, just loving and giving.
*malit, who claims that I may lose all my friends but he will remain.

To my ssg co-officers, for the wonderful two years of camaraderie and public service, for all the learning experiences. To those who already left and to those who will leave with me, let our love of work and public service be put to use in the bigger world. And to those who are left behind, continue giving quality service to our school and community.

To xeryl, rom, karla, james and tracy, for giving me the chance to be a sister, for teaching me much and learning with me. God bless you in your endeavors.

To bimbo, my 2nd year nursing student-son, for giving me the opportunity to practice motherhood (hehe).

To alfred, my bro. i miss u.

To my asian marist youth council buddies, for the lifelong friendship formed. Let us continue giving ourselves and serving others through meaningful initatives.

To my dearest classmates.... for inspiring me to hold on, for constantly believing in me and for accepting me. We survived five years together and six months more is chicken (hehe). Let us all become cpas!

To my academic standards and saluted leaders, ate mhe-an, ate kamz, ate dorhai, kuya ralph, eric, ate evs, ferdi, john, pedz...........

To my most loved mentors:
*bro. willy, my friend and inspiration, for the wisdom and great values you impart on me.
*ma'am tes, my great defender, for the trust you give me, for the opportunities to grow and learn.
*sir jet, my debate coach, and once my crush (hehe), for believing in my capacity and for the teachings.
*sir estong, for being more than an adviser, for being a friend.
*sir gamz, ‘lamat sir. hehe
*sir sorsano, for everything (which is a lot). I am reaping the glories I may not be deserving of, all these I got because you fought for me and you never let me go. Thanks so much sir and in the best of my capacity, I will give back what I received. It may not be to you directly but to the cause which you are pursuing.
*nddu admin, for the challenges you posted on me and many others so that we will become better students and servants of our country.

I have not thanked and named them all but seek in your hearts and you'll find me...

To everyone who believed in me as a person, a leader and a learner........ my utmost thanks!!!!

And it feels so much better to have thanked you all. There is so much to look back to and be happy about; and however we want to stay just this happy, we got to move on, as I have to now... once again, thanks and hopefully, it will not be good bye.

Love and Business

I teach business subjects. I have mastered the topic input-output as a concept in business; that in everything you give, you will receive something in return.

Labor will give you income. Resources will be used to produce goods, which in turn will give business people profits as they sell them. The more you give to the economy, the more will be given back to you.

That is business. And I can relate almost everything to this input-output concept. Why, even in grades we apply this. The more a student studies, the more he/she learns, the greater the score, the higher the grade.

But can we say the same for love? That the more I give, the more I will receive? I believe not. Because love defies many rules, even the input-output concept.

Love is not a business opportunity. It must be given for free, without expectations. I forgot to tell my students this. I'll do it next meeting.

PS: Or maybe I won't. Hehe. I'm so o.a.

What P100 Can Do

I had a late dinner last night. Like most nights, I bought my food from the turo2x in front of our dorm.

As I was choosing my viand, the nice lady who owns the place asked me, ‘Maam, pautang naman…’ I thought she was kidding. Without hesitation, I said, ‘Next week pa sweldo eh.’ Then I realized that she was serious. I asked her how much she needed. And she said, ‘One hundred lang Ma’am. Biglaan kasi ang pagbayad ng uniform ni Junior.’

I never gave it a second thought and said yes immediately. I was surprised that she bluntly asked to borrow, but I was more shocked at the amount. . . One hundred?

When I got back to my room, after giving her money, I realized how small the money meant to me. It’s not because I have a lot, because I certainly don’t. But P100? My Jollibee lunch alone last weekend cost me P130. But the P100 she asked for is today’s capital for the food she’d cook and sell.

It’s rather sad because I know that she is a hardworking person yet she is not financially compensated. Personally, I am not comfortable living without at least four figures in my treasure box. I am money-conscious. At my young age, I understand the value of saving and I intend to fill my bank account. I don’t know how I could manage without money. In many ways, she is better and stronger than the rest of us. She could live each day still being nice despite the difficulties.

It made me appreciate the blessings I have and made me realize how much I, too, can give back to other people.

Had she asked my father, taken that he has money, I can imagine him saying, ‘Okay na po ba ang P100? Eto po, P200 para may allowance pa.’ I know I made the right choice when I did not hesitate.

PS: I offered P200. . . She was very thankful and repeatedly promised to give it back on Tuesday.

Untitled (yet)

I lived not an ordinary student life....
Leading more than 1700 students was not an easy job...
Some of them would listen but more would not even bother...

This was part of the speech of the outgoing CBA Council President during the turning over of the key of responsibility to the new President.

I realized that I wasn't totally unlike him. I led more than 4000 students as SSG President when I was in college.

I never talked or wrote about my leadership experience before, like it was never a part of my life. Somehow, it may be a defense mechanism because I do not know how to react to people's reactions on the position, my own brand of leadership and the strengths and weaknesses of my administration.

I am naturally shy and I feel uncomfortable when people openly talk about me, much more in my presence. But being naturally shy doesn't mean that I could not manage a group or that I could not defend my people. I've had my fair share of dealing with difficult situations, students, teachers and even deans (hehe).

Being a student leader had been the best experience of my school life. It gave me lots of opportunities to meet people and gain friends; go to other places; attend and initiate activities; and more importantly, to grow, learn and share myself to others. It prepared me to become a responsible and commited professional.

My story would go on and on.....

I'd like to end this reflection by saying, and I believe many leaders would agree, that as a leader:

You do not have to be remembered. You do not have to be the best. Lead with love, commitment and purest intentions. . .

Stars Shine Down

The title is not very original. This is also the title of one of Sidney Sheldon's novels. Original or not, I hope it sends the message.

We, people, are like products in some ways. We follow the life cycle: conception, maturity and saturation (I missed one and I believe, saturation is not the exact word).

At one point in our lives, we reach the top. But like what they say, when you're on top, there is nowhere else to go but down. Many try to avoid this by clinging to position, glory and fame. And at times, they become bitter, reminding others of their many great contributions.

What most people forget is that we are only agents of God, but not his only agents. We are managers of his gifts; and whatever great contributions we may have are his contributions to humankind. Time may come for us to step down in order for others to fill in. We've had our share. We were stars... And like all stars, we shall fade. But only in the eyes of the world. Because to God, the star in us will forever shine.

Untitled

I used to be anorexic.

I wasn't fat by normal standards but I was very fat in my eyes. Like most anorexics, I wasn't eating much; and if ever I ate, I forced the food out of my body.

It started around July of last year. I became close to a classmate who was thin. She wasn't eating rice so I followed suit. By August, I lost 5 kilos, from 55 to 50. During the Intramurals in early September, I was down to 46 kilos. By that time, I only had one meal a day, with no rice. The change in my body was obvious. People commented on how much weight I have lost. I literally shrunk, Rom said. While they worried, I was happy! My efforts were bearing fruits. But my goal was to reach 40 kilos.

In an event in Tagaytay on the 3rd week of September, food was overflowing. I guess I was the only participant there who wasn't happy with that. Snacks were served in the morning, noon and at night. Meals were on buffet and others had 'take twos and threes'. I wasn't eating.

'Why are you not eating?', I was asked by two fellow female participants. 'Because I am getting fat,' I said. 'And what do you call us? We are much fatter that you are,' they replied. I told them that I was not comparing myself to them but to the standard I have set for myself. They were quiet and did not give rebuttals. Maybe they did not want to pick up a fight. I continued starving myself until early this year.

Now, I realize that I had been rude to my two girl friends. My statement have implications. Do I actually see myself as bigger/higher than them, that what they are do not matter to me because I have my own standards for myself? How thick of me.... The truth is, even if I claim that I did not compare myself to them, because I surely did not, I still compared myself to the walking sticks I admire so much. I did not practice what I always preach - never to compare yourself to others for you will become bitter or vain.

But then, nothing is ever too late. Do I care now if I am no walking stick? Not anymore. Or not as much. Hehe. I'm learning to love myself for what and who I am; and stop comparing myself to the world. . .

I did not get back to weighing 55 kilos. I don't intend to!!! I weigh around 50 kilos now and I am fine with that. I make no extreme efforts to lose weight. I was born big, 10 pounds; I have big and heavy bones so it is only natural that I don't get too thin. Hai. I have finally come to accept this.