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I used to be anorexic.

I wasn't fat by normal standards but I was very fat in my eyes. Like most anorexics, I wasn't eating much; and if ever I ate, I forced the food out of my body.

It started around July of last year. I became close to a classmate who was thin. She wasn't eating rice so I followed suit. By August, I lost 5 kilos, from 55 to 50. During the Intramurals in early September, I was down to 46 kilos. By that time, I only had one meal a day, with no rice. The change in my body was obvious. People commented on how much weight I have lost. I literally shrunk, Rom said. While they worried, I was happy! My efforts were bearing fruits. But my goal was to reach 40 kilos.

In an event in Tagaytay on the 3rd week of September, food was overflowing. I guess I was the only participant there who wasn't happy with that. Snacks were served in the morning, noon and at night. Meals were on buffet and others had 'take twos and threes'. I wasn't eating.

'Why are you not eating?', I was asked by two fellow female participants. 'Because I am getting fat,' I said. 'And what do you call us? We are much fatter that you are,' they replied. I told them that I was not comparing myself to them but to the standard I have set for myself. They were quiet and did not give rebuttals. Maybe they did not want to pick up a fight. I continued starving myself until early this year.

Now, I realize that I had been rude to my two girl friends. My statement have implications. Do I actually see myself as bigger/higher than them, that what they are do not matter to me because I have my own standards for myself? How thick of me.... The truth is, even if I claim that I did not compare myself to them, because I surely did not, I still compared myself to the walking sticks I admire so much. I did not practice what I always preach - never to compare yourself to others for you will become bitter or vain.

But then, nothing is ever too late. Do I care now if I am no walking stick? Not anymore. Or not as much. Hehe. I'm learning to love myself for what and who I am; and stop comparing myself to the world. . .

I did not get back to weighing 55 kilos. I don't intend to!!! I weigh around 50 kilos now and I am fine with that. I make no extreme efforts to lose weight. I was born big, 10 pounds; I have big and heavy bones so it is only natural that I don't get too thin. Hai. I have finally come to accept this.