""...the more a woman loves a man, the more she hates him. if a man is worth having her, he must be a woman's superior; if he is her superior, part of her must hate him" -interpretation of a murder" - shoutout in my sister's friendster account.
I don't think anyone can put into words the complexity of love and hatred. Personally, I'm not capable of hating anyone anymore. Does it mean that I can love no more?
But yes, there was a time when both were there - love and hatred for one man, at one point in my life. I'm done with it. I hope it doesn't happen again.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Heart Speaks
This will be long...
Motivation was one of the concepts discussed in my Marketing class earlier.
When we talk about motivation, Freud's theory probably catches the attention of most. This is not necessarily because people believe in having repressed emotions and urges but because they think Freud is crazy, sex-oriented and is talking nonsense. Freud is not the subject of my blog. He was just one of the cues that made me acknowledge my deeper motivations in life.
The October 2008 CPA Licensure Examinations is less than a month away. As much as I don't want to be affected by this, I am affected (only now, but not originally), not necessarily because I have regrets for not being able to take the board.
Sir Vladen has told me many times (and he continually reminds me) that I will not feel good when the results would show that my friends and former classmates passed the board already and I didn't (considering that I surely would had I chosen to). He could relate because it happened to him. I don't have the same issues. My happiness or absence of it does not depend on the accomplishment of others. Having a CPA title attached to my name is not important to me. And more than anything, I will be sincerely happy for them.
The CPA board was not my concern. I was happy doing my tasks. Then came the messages from my two closest former classmates - they will take the board on May. And in addition was the comment, "Yan, sabay tayo."
Now, I am facing this issue - to take or not to take; and when to take. My answer is not a product of pressure from family, friends and former teachers. Like every decision I made, I am making my choice based on what I want. The only difference is, now, my motivations are better and more value-oriented.
Having total control of my life and my choices is something that I always claim to have. I have so many times departed from norms. I am thinking now that maybe, just maybe, I depart from the norms not necessarily because I am sticking to my principles. Maybe I do it just for the sake of departing. And maybe, the very idea of being different is what I seek for. In the end, my choices are very much influenced by this attitude.
As a student, I cut classes. I always gave reasons and justifications - like I needed to do and settle a lot of things, I was busy, etc. But the truth is, I could have done my non-academic activities outside class hours. Maybe I cut classes because I wanted to prove to everyone that I can still achieve satisfactory results despite being an irresponsible student. Maybe I enjoyed the comments they gave such as, "Si Zea kahit absinot, mataas pa rin ang grade, pasado pa rin."
I challenged my teachers. I claimed that I did those because they weren't good. There were a lot of things and decisions to be challenged. Looking back, their being good or not was not the real issue. Maybe I challenged them because I wanted to test how much they could take in. I refuted whatever they said for the sake of refuting. Sometimes I even agreed with them (deep inside) but I still argued because I wanted to argue.
I shifted to another course on my fourth year (I was again an Accountancy student the next sem). I could not tolerate the existence of one teacher. I did not want to see her face again. I could not be forced to be under her and listen to what she has to say (everyone who knows her would understand my feelings). And for that reason, I shifted.
I did not consider my four years of academic struggle and suffering; the good times I had and the opportunities that the course gave me; the ill-opinion people had of my poor and selfish attitude; the wrong assumption they had that I shifted because I flunked; the feelings of my family and classmates. I did not care about everyone and what they thought and felt. Maybe I wanted to prove to them that I can do what I want, whenever I want to.
I did not review. I chose not to because I wanted to stay here. I did not want others to lay the path for me. I also did not want to take the board because I expected a lot from myself yet I knew that I could not perform well. I wanted to perfect the exams but I knew that I couldn't because of my academic lapses. One sem in review will not make up for five years that I lost.
I am now confronting my social and psychological issues. For the past months, I had a love-hate relationship with myself. One minute, I commend myself; the next minute, I insult myself. It had been very unhealthy.
A simple life is what I dream of. I am a simple person with simple needs. If everything is simple, there shouldn't be a problem. But there is - I have complex and complicated thoughts! I also easily get bored. I cannot be content on just doing simple things. I miss setting goals and achieving them.
Something (actually, a lot) is amiss. I have turned away from repressed emotions and motivations for a long time. I thought that I never repressed anything because I don't conform to norms. I thought that by being different (in thoughts and in actions), I was a better person than the rest because I can do and say whatever I like.
The truth is, my actions have very little effect to other people. Their biggest effect is on me.Yes, I achieved my goal. I proved to myself and to everyone that I have control over my life. I am the master of myself.
Did I achieve much? No. I became consumed with the need to prove a lot. In the end, I allowed myself to become the very opposite of the person I wanted to be.
Listening to myself, I learned that there are other things which I also want but I did not allow myself to get/do because everyone wants them. I also want to take the board. I may not practice my profession (I don't believe in the 'cause' of the auditing profession, not before and never will) but I will take the board because I want to give justice to my five-year education. I am also (for the first time) considering what everyone has given me. My family, teachers and classmates have been very understanding. I broke many hearts but I was not moved (I am now). I had all the resources I needed - I never lacked in books and materials.
I will now do things not only for myself but also to give back all the good things which were readily provided to me.
I realized that there is really no need to be always different. I must not be motivated by the idea of being different.
I can now move on. I have finally forgiven myself.
Motivation was one of the concepts discussed in my Marketing class earlier.
When we talk about motivation, Freud's theory probably catches the attention of most. This is not necessarily because people believe in having repressed emotions and urges but because they think Freud is crazy, sex-oriented and is talking nonsense. Freud is not the subject of my blog. He was just one of the cues that made me acknowledge my deeper motivations in life.
The October 2008 CPA Licensure Examinations is less than a month away. As much as I don't want to be affected by this, I am affected (only now, but not originally), not necessarily because I have regrets for not being able to take the board.
Sir Vladen has told me many times (and he continually reminds me) that I will not feel good when the results would show that my friends and former classmates passed the board already and I didn't (considering that I surely would had I chosen to). He could relate because it happened to him. I don't have the same issues. My happiness or absence of it does not depend on the accomplishment of others. Having a CPA title attached to my name is not important to me. And more than anything, I will be sincerely happy for them.
The CPA board was not my concern. I was happy doing my tasks. Then came the messages from my two closest former classmates - they will take the board on May. And in addition was the comment, "Yan, sabay tayo."
Now, I am facing this issue - to take or not to take; and when to take. My answer is not a product of pressure from family, friends and former teachers. Like every decision I made, I am making my choice based on what I want. The only difference is, now, my motivations are better and more value-oriented.
Having total control of my life and my choices is something that I always claim to have. I have so many times departed from norms. I am thinking now that maybe, just maybe, I depart from the norms not necessarily because I am sticking to my principles. Maybe I do it just for the sake of departing. And maybe, the very idea of being different is what I seek for. In the end, my choices are very much influenced by this attitude.
As a student, I cut classes. I always gave reasons and justifications - like I needed to do and settle a lot of things, I was busy, etc. But the truth is, I could have done my non-academic activities outside class hours. Maybe I cut classes because I wanted to prove to everyone that I can still achieve satisfactory results despite being an irresponsible student. Maybe I enjoyed the comments they gave such as, "Si Zea kahit absinot, mataas pa rin ang grade, pasado pa rin."
I challenged my teachers. I claimed that I did those because they weren't good. There were a lot of things and decisions to be challenged. Looking back, their being good or not was not the real issue. Maybe I challenged them because I wanted to test how much they could take in. I refuted whatever they said for the sake of refuting. Sometimes I even agreed with them (deep inside) but I still argued because I wanted to argue.
I shifted to another course on my fourth year (I was again an Accountancy student the next sem). I could not tolerate the existence of one teacher. I did not want to see her face again. I could not be forced to be under her and listen to what she has to say (everyone who knows her would understand my feelings). And for that reason, I shifted.
I did not consider my four years of academic struggle and suffering; the good times I had and the opportunities that the course gave me; the ill-opinion people had of my poor and selfish attitude; the wrong assumption they had that I shifted because I flunked; the feelings of my family and classmates. I did not care about everyone and what they thought and felt. Maybe I wanted to prove to them that I can do what I want, whenever I want to.
I did not review. I chose not to because I wanted to stay here. I did not want others to lay the path for me. I also did not want to take the board because I expected a lot from myself yet I knew that I could not perform well. I wanted to perfect the exams but I knew that I couldn't because of my academic lapses. One sem in review will not make up for five years that I lost.
I am now confronting my social and psychological issues. For the past months, I had a love-hate relationship with myself. One minute, I commend myself; the next minute, I insult myself. It had been very unhealthy.
A simple life is what I dream of. I am a simple person with simple needs. If everything is simple, there shouldn't be a problem. But there is - I have complex and complicated thoughts! I also easily get bored. I cannot be content on just doing simple things. I miss setting goals and achieving them.
Something (actually, a lot) is amiss. I have turned away from repressed emotions and motivations for a long time. I thought that I never repressed anything because I don't conform to norms. I thought that by being different (in thoughts and in actions), I was a better person than the rest because I can do and say whatever I like.
The truth is, my actions have very little effect to other people. Their biggest effect is on me.Yes, I achieved my goal. I proved to myself and to everyone that I have control over my life. I am the master of myself.
Did I achieve much? No. I became consumed with the need to prove a lot. In the end, I allowed myself to become the very opposite of the person I wanted to be.
Listening to myself, I learned that there are other things which I also want but I did not allow myself to get/do because everyone wants them. I also want to take the board. I may not practice my profession (I don't believe in the 'cause' of the auditing profession, not before and never will) but I will take the board because I want to give justice to my five-year education. I am also (for the first time) considering what everyone has given me. My family, teachers and classmates have been very understanding. I broke many hearts but I was not moved (I am now). I had all the resources I needed - I never lacked in books and materials.
I will now do things not only for myself but also to give back all the good things which were readily provided to me.
I realized that there is really no need to be always different. I must not be motivated by the idea of being different.
I can now move on. I have finally forgiven myself.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Just Dropping By
I make choices everyday. And to stop blogging (for a while) is one of my latest decisions.
I have sort of lost my drive to write, or I feel as though my 'writings' are not really relevant. And I'd like to divert my energy, time and efforts on more meaningful things.
The stories will just come. I won't pressure myself.
Too much of something is not good. So too much blogging is not good. Hehe. I'm just dropping by. My imposed five minutes are up. Bye!!!
I have sort of lost my drive to write, or I feel as though my 'writings' are not really relevant. And I'd like to divert my energy, time and efforts on more meaningful things.
The stories will just come. I won't pressure myself.
Too much of something is not good. So too much blogging is not good. Hehe. I'm just dropping by. My imposed five minutes are up. Bye!!!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Vacation's Over
NDMU did not hold classes for eight (8) straight school days. We had our retreat last week and the Intramurals ended yesterday. Back to reality.
I enjoyed very much the long break but classroom instruction cannot be evaded.
I'm not prepared! I haven't checked my papers. At least I'm already done with the grades. But then, that was really expected. I still have tonight and tomorrow to settle things. I wouldn't blog for a while.
There is so much to tell!! Yet I could not seem to write what I feel - so much black, white and other colors in my life. Maybe they are not really meant to be written. I don't know.
Ciao
I enjoyed very much the long break but classroom instruction cannot be evaded.
I'm not prepared! I haven't checked my papers. At least I'm already done with the grades. But then, that was really expected. I still have tonight and tomorrow to settle things. I wouldn't blog for a while.
There is so much to tell!! Yet I could not seem to write what I feel - so much black, white and other colors in my life. Maybe they are not really meant to be written. I don't know.
Ciao
Sunday, August 31, 2008
September 1st
Today is the official beginning of the "Ber" Season. There are so much to look forward to - retreat, Intramurals, semestral break, the Marist camp and Christmas.
But to me, today means a lot more than all those...
But to me, today means a lot more than all those...
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I Just Have to Let this Out
Okay. So he had been more than an acquaintance for two months now. I don't know if I can truly say that we had been friends. Under my standards, sure, he had been a friend. But then, friendship is mutual. I could not just claim one to be a friend and he/she does not even acknowledge a friendship.
I promised not to blog for a while but there is no one to talk to; and I'd like to let this out.
I consider my self a good friend; but looking back on how I have treated him, yeah, I had not been the good friend that I claim to be. So I've hurt his feelings through negative and rude remarks. And through actions as well.
And now it's pay back time for him. I am getting a no-reaction/no-comment/I-don't-know-you look and treatment. At first I was affected. I asked him what the problem was. I made efforts to make patawa of the situation. I didn't know it was serious. But he was not moved!!! Then maybe, this is serious. Or maybe not. Maybe he just doesn't want to be associated with me in any way. Whatever. He is not my only consideration in life. I've done my part. I reached out. I'm not even making an issue of feeling insulted/offended. I never get offended and I seldom feel insulted.
I'm not a person with much pride. But I can also live without him. I'm so making an effort not to judge.... Good for him. And for me.
So this might be the end of an acquaintance or a friendship. What a nice pre-birthday gift.
Oh well, I still wish him well.
Haha. I'm writing this while he is less than a meter away. We're not acknowledging each other's existence. Fine. I'm good in this. Hehe. Been here, done this a lot. I don't know what he's thinking right now. Whatever.
I'm not really being positive by writing this. But I'll try to be better.
I promised not to blog for a while but there is no one to talk to; and I'd like to let this out.
I consider my self a good friend; but looking back on how I have treated him, yeah, I had not been the good friend that I claim to be. So I've hurt his feelings through negative and rude remarks. And through actions as well.
And now it's pay back time for him. I am getting a no-reaction/no-comment/I-don't-know-you look and treatment. At first I was affected. I asked him what the problem was. I made efforts to make patawa of the situation. I didn't know it was serious. But he was not moved!!! Then maybe, this is serious. Or maybe not. Maybe he just doesn't want to be associated with me in any way. Whatever. He is not my only consideration in life. I've done my part. I reached out. I'm not even making an issue of feeling insulted/offended. I never get offended and I seldom feel insulted.
I'm not a person with much pride. But I can also live without him. I'm so making an effort not to judge.... Good for him. And for me.
So this might be the end of an acquaintance or a friendship. What a nice pre-birthday gift.
Oh well, I still wish him well.
Haha. I'm writing this while he is less than a meter away. We're not acknowledging each other's existence. Fine. I'm good in this. Hehe. Been here, done this a lot. I don't know what he's thinking right now. Whatever.
I'm not really being positive by writing this. But I'll try to be better.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Breakfast and War
I had a heavy breakfast earlier. Idle that I am, I didn't want to wash dishes so I decided to eat (dine in) in the turo2x in front of our dorm.
I usually could not finish eating one cup of rice but the nice lady who owns the place served almost two servings equivalent to my one-cup order.
I asked for half serving of this sitaw-baboy dish but she filled the bowl. I also had adobong manok.
If I ate in another place, I would not have hesitated in leaving without finishing the meal. But there I was, in her simple place; and she was happily telling the story of her life, husbands (yes, with an "s") and children. Leaving with so much food still left on my plate would make me feel guilty because I know that money and resources mean a lot to her.
I'm naturally shy so I was contented being by myself, eating my meal as if it's just another task. But she's so makwento and there, she gave me a full account of her happy life while she was doing her tasks. She is happy despite the worldly problems, mostly financial.
I don't know how I can be happy if I were in her shoes. I don't think that I will ever be there, under the circumstances that I am in right now. But that is not the point.
If we are all like her - happy, feeling positive amidst all problems and working not only for self-preservation but also for service, there will be peace, harmony, contentment and all the good things here on earth. Stop the fighting and killings! Let's get on with our lives. Now, where exactly am I going????
Regardless of the issue - poverty or war, love and values must always prevail.
Let there be peace on earth :-)
I usually could not finish eating one cup of rice but the nice lady who owns the place served almost two servings equivalent to my one-cup order.
I asked for half serving of this sitaw-baboy dish but she filled the bowl. I also had adobong manok.
If I ate in another place, I would not have hesitated in leaving without finishing the meal. But there I was, in her simple place; and she was happily telling the story of her life, husbands (yes, with an "s") and children. Leaving with so much food still left on my plate would make me feel guilty because I know that money and resources mean a lot to her.
I'm naturally shy so I was contented being by myself, eating my meal as if it's just another task. But she's so makwento and there, she gave me a full account of her happy life while she was doing her tasks. She is happy despite the worldly problems, mostly financial.
I don't know how I can be happy if I were in her shoes. I don't think that I will ever be there, under the circumstances that I am in right now. But that is not the point.
If we are all like her - happy, feeling positive amidst all problems and working not only for self-preservation but also for service, there will be peace, harmony, contentment and all the good things here on earth. Stop the fighting and killings! Let's get on with our lives. Now, where exactly am I going????
Regardless of the issue - poverty or war, love and values must always prevail.
Let there be peace on earth :-)
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